This is going to be a journey. I am learning to trust my creativity and I am hoping that this blog will allow me to grow and learn as a person.
I am Congolese, Was raised in South Africa and am currently studying in Russia. This is a developmental space for me. I will share some poetry, opinions on current affairs and document some of my personal experiences.
I will engage as myself on this blog. Confrontation triggers my anxiety and I try to avoid it and will step back from active confrontation when I am getting to a point where I feel like I have no control.
I also feel rage like anyone else and I express my rage in ways that will not trigger my anxiety. I am aware that people are different and respond to anger in different ways and so I respect and won’t police expressions of Anger that are different to my own.
I think it is important for me to share why my fear of confrontation is such a big thing in the first place because it will help those who follow this blog to understand me and my perspective.
So some context; my family moved to South Africa when I was 9 from the DRC. I was always a nervous child but my panic attacks only started at about 10. I couldn’t speak English when I started school and I was a target of bullying to the black kids as much as I was to the other races at that School. A year into my schooling I could speak the language but still had no friends and my little brother and I still hid behind the Tuck shop at break. The teachers who were all either Black or Brown were often just as bad as the students. Telling me how I would fail and be nothing was something my grade 5 teacher who was a black womxn repeatedly told me. I eventually just learned to be as silent as possible to be invisible in that school. One day in that grade 5 class the teachers was out and the class decided to taunt me, one of the boys repeatedly threw his soccer ball at me and everyone laughed every time I got hit at, some point the ball hit my head and bounced off on the girl sitting behind me. This girl stood up came to my desk asking for an apology, I slapt her without thinking in that moment and the class started shouting at me. Teachers were called and I was taken to the principles office. My mom was studying and my Dad worked long shifts as a Waiter and they had no time or belief in that school to protect me. After that incident, confrontation always brought back that moment when I stood up for myself but made everything else worse.
Years after that Junior school incident I was making-out with a boy in a room. He then started removing my clothes, I told him to stop and he laughed and fighting back made it hurt more so I froze until he was done. After that memories of this became another trigger for my anxiety.
Anxiety and depression are never to far away. Confrontation brings feelings of helplessness that triggers my anxiety which often leads to depression and suicidal thoughts. I am adamant about creating engagements that are different from the status quo. I want to create forms of engagements that do not harm people with mental health struggles.
I will call activists out on my blog, We need to call each other out as activists when the need arises. We can’t be calling people out while aso being problematic in the same way that they are and this is what I have noticed in a lot of progessive platforms.
We are born in a white-supremist, capitalist, patriarchal, cis-normative, trans-exclusionary society that requires toxic power pyramids to sustain itself. It is natural for us to gravitate towards what we know, to display strength in the only ways we have seen it displayed but if we are serious about transformation we will have to reimagine our spaces. We need to create spaces where our power/ affirmations are not dependent on completely destroying others first.
I hope this blog will bring learning, safety and healing to myself and those who follow my journey.